I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
