I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
