Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
