so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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