Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
