Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
