Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
