Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
