I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
