we have pet lesbian snakes
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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