Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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