On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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