i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
