1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
