these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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