How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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