i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
