Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
