Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize