How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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