just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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