I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
