shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
