Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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