I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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