its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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