Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
