Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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