don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
