My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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