Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
