On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
