I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize