spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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