Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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