so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
