Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
