i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I forget how to act sober
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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