also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
