Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
