My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
