My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
