She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
