Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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