He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I need to calm my uterus...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
