People in love make me want to vomit
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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