I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
