I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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