Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
