Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
