We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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