if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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