Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
