I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
