my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
