my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
