I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
