i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
