he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
