I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My feet surprised me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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