I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
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