Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
