You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
