Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize