can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
that's an acceptable place to lick
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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