Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
there's paper in my vomit.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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